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Almost Completely Useless Gadgets for Writers

4

September 1, 2011 by Renee

I was researching links for something completely unrelated to what I have listed here. This is what happens when you have someone who is easily distracted in charge of herself. So instead of doing what I was supposed to be doing, I stumbled across this stupid chair. Then I spent an hour finding other retarded but strangely tempting inventions for writers.
You want a giggle? Here are some strange/funny/kinda cool inventions that every writer must have…or at least mock:
**Note: All photos posted are from the websites I’ve linked to and are not my own. I do not own this stuff and I did not photograph it…although, I might soon own a certain pen…

As a writer, I know it’s tough to remember to haul your ass out of that chair and get some exercise. I mean, when you’re in a writing groove, who has time to worry about the waistline? Well folks, someone is looking out for us. I give you, The Hawaii Chair.

 

Are you done laughing? Okay, seriously? Look at how those women are flopping all over the place. Can you even imagine typing while doing that? Whoever thought this replaced a good old fashioned walked needs a Hawaii chair upside the head.

WTF is that? I asked the same thing when I stumbled on this one. How does one use it? Why? Oh, folks, it gets better. From the SafeType Website:
“there are challenges in adapting, we recommend you contact us for suggestions. New users are unlikely to invent any difficulties we have not encountered before, and we have workable solutions for all of them.”
And this:
“You cannot use this product properly if you are not a touch-typist.”
Oh we can’t forget:
“Programmers, Editors, Accountants and others who use the 10-key numeric pad or the arrow keys extensively should order a supplementary keypad at the same time.”
Where the hell will the additional keypad go? On your head? Well, they answered this for you too:
“The supplementary keypad allows the user to position the 10-key numeric pad with arrow keys anywhere that is most usable and comfortable. It can be on the left or the right, or even in your lap. We are constantly amazed by the tremendous variation in challenges and how people find solutions for their own problems.”
I don’t know, I think I’m happy with a dangerous keypad that’s all straight and shit.
This guy’s site is awesome. I have to say, these next two inventions are more funny than useless and as I perused his site, I was in awe at his creativity. Let’s look first at the edible pen. That’s right; edible.
Always chewing on your pen? Well, writers this is for you. I know how it is when we’re jotting down ideas or working out an intricate plot in our notebooks, we don’t want to get up for anything. Forget breakfast, lunch or supper. But, with the edible pen, you can work AND snack. Also, it comes in more than one flavour. Can you say that about a Bic? I think not.
This guy also invented the Memo Block, which really intrigues me. It looks retarded, but really, consider how many times you’ve left a note on a post it and lost it? Huh. Well, why not just write it on your block? The wind won’t blow that puppy away. Also, since you’re not wasting a million pieces of paper each day, you’re saving trees. Let’s not consider what it’s made of or the ink in the dry erase markers you’ll be using. Just be happy you’ve saved a tree.

Because writing, as you all know, is a dangerous job, writers need to be ready for anything, including attacks by crazed ninjas. The pen looks like any other innocent pen, but concealed inside is a very sharp blade. “You think that chapter stinks? I’ll cut you!”
And because we writers never know where we’re going to end up, the knife also works as a letter opener (for opening queries and promptly slitting our wrists), box cutter…I’ve got nothing, and it can cut ropes, duct tape…I don’t know how many times I’ve found myself tied up and wishing I had a pen that was really a knife so I could escape.
From the website:
“Pen Knives are actual pens that could save your life. They look like an ordinary pen, but feature a 2.13 inch blade that is revealed by pulling the pen apart.”
And the best part:
“These pen knifes are easily concealed so you can take them with you just about anywhere. No one will think that this expensive looking writing instrument actually contains a knife that can be unsheathed very quickly.”
That’s fucking awesome!! I love that anyone could carry a goddamn blade on them and never be discovered. It’s really something you need in office situations where people tend to get tense as shit. Really, it’s a problem solver, no?
First, from the website:
“DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE WHILE USING THIS PRODUCT”
Do we even need that warning? Seriously? 
Yes, folks we do. Because although this handy little traveling desk is designed for truckers and business people who might have to sit in their PARKED  car or truck and fill out invoices, orders, etc., we also have those jackasses who will see this and think, “Brilliant! I can type and drive at the same time!”
Carazy table? Yes, I think so.
 I know there are thousands more of these gadgets which every writer wants but doesn’t really ever need. Know a few? Please share. Give me an excuse to Google stuff. 
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4 thoughts on “Almost Completely Useless Gadgets for Writers

  1. Mike Keyton says:

    The Hawaiian Chair! Oh, thank you, thank you, and thank you, Renee. I've been giggling all morning.

  2. Renee Miller says:

    I watched that infomercial like five times before I decided to do this post, giggling like a fool each time. I just watched it again. Perhaps it would be even more fun to own one.

  3. Susan says:

    Hahaha. This was the best, best blog post ever!Sorry, I know you've done some awesome blogs, but this one, I mean, look at those things. I want to get one of those chairs, not for my desk but just to play on. I think it looks fun. I could use one of those pens too. I live in rattlesnake area and you never know when one of those suckers is gone to get throught that doggie door and wiggle it's way up the stairs to my office.

  4. Renee Miller says:

    No apologies needed. This was fun to write too…or rather, it was fun to research.

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Renee

Renee

I like to write stuff. Sometimes it's funny. I've published some novels and short fiction. I also battle an addiction to cake and potato chips, and I sometimes have inappropriate fantasies involving Kevin Spacey.

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