The Secret to Dealing with Assholes: A Guide by Jackson Murphy

I know many of you (okay most of you) have no idea who Jack is, but he’s very much a part of my personality. Actually, a lot of my characters have a little of me in them. As it should be, right? Yes, even the baddies. So, today I let Jackson Murphy write a post, and boy, he is one opinionated bastard. Enjoy.

My name is Jackson Murphy, but my friends call me Jack. No, I didn’t say you could call me Jack. Mr. Murphy will do just fine. Since 99 percent of the population is either a dick or an asshole, odds are few of you would be worth my time anyway. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, there’s nothing you can do about what you are. Problem is all you dipshits out there tend to fuck everything up for those of us who have a shot at having anything worthwhile in life. That’s why the 1 percent of us who aren’t jackoffs, need to know how to deal with your shit.

Today is your lucky day. I’ve learned that the secret to dealing with assholes lies in accepting a few truths about people in general. Once you accept them, remember them, and then the idiots can’t screw you over because you’ll be ready for their stupidity. If they do manage to mess up your shit, you’ve got one option. Kill them.

Truth #1: There’s straight, gay and just plain greedy.

I think people care way too much about who everyone else is fucking. The truth is, if you’re getting decent sex, you won’t care who Joe Dick next door is doing. Problem with that is in order to have decent sex you gotta know what you’re doing. Think on that for a minute. I don’t give a rat’s ass who you’re nailing. Gays and lesbians are fine people. I’m sure a few of them are even likable, but I’d rather not find out. I got my own problems without worrying about my drinking buddy eyeballing my asshole. Still, I have no problem with homosexuality. They stay on their side of the fence, I stay on mine. No problems. Hell, if they’re masochistic enough to want to get married, why shouldn’t we let them experience the same hell we straight folks live in every day? My problem is with you bisexual fucks. Greedy much? It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, but you’ve gotta pick a team; otherwise you’re just a greedy little bitch.

Truth #2: Women are good for fucking and cooking.

If they’re not good at doing at least one of these things, then you’re asking for trouble if you keep them around. Case in point: Jenny, my wife, stopped fucking me and never cooked more than instant oatmeal. I kept her around and what happened? A lot of dead people, that’s what happened.

Truth #3: People who own dogs that fit in their purse and do nothing but yap should all be shot.

You can learn all you need to know about a person about the pets they keep. Actually, anyone who wastes their time on those smelly shit machines is borderline retarded. I don’t think I need to back up that statement. It’s a fact. Deal with it.

Truth #4: The better you do, the more people want what you’ve got.

The success of a man directly correlates with the number of enemies he has. The number of people you can trust drops for every dollar you earn. So, if you want to be successful, you need to stop caring about other people. That gives you more time to make money anyway. There are very few people in your life, male or female, friend or family, who are actually useful. They’re dead weight. Get rid of them.

Truth #5: Women without mothers are the only women worth your time.

Trust me on this one. A mother-in-law will fuck you in every way possible. Then she’ll get herself shot in your kitchen.

Truth #6: Women are a law unto themselves and there is fuck all anyone can do about it.

Men constantly underestimate women, and that’s what leaves you flat broke and balding, alone in some cockroach infested hell. Come on, women screw each other, and we think it’s hot. Would they get all wet if you gave your golf buddy a hummer? I think not. They pitch a tantrum, we think it’s cute. A man pitches a tantrum and we’re labeled “abusive.” They lose their shit and we are pissing our pants trying to make things right. We lose our shit, they call the cops. They can take half of what we’ve earned, and we still marry them. Who’s stupid now? Exactly. Women are always looking at the big picture, waiting for the opportunity to fuck whoever is in the way of them getting what they want. And I’m not talking about fucking in a good way either.

Truth #7: With the right motivation, humans are capable of miracles.

I’ve risen from the dead, so I know this is true. How much more miraculous can a guy get? Motivation is the most powerful tool we have at our disposal, but too many of us don’t bother with it. What do you want? Why do you want it? What will you do to get it? If you don’t have motivation, you don’t have shit and you never will.

I’d thank Renee for letting me post as a guest on her blog, but I’m doing her the favor, so she can kiss my ass. She’s lucky to know a man like Jackson Murphy, and she knows it. Some day she might get smart and listen to my advice, or perhaps she already has.

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