My name is Rayne Summers. I used to be a marine until the Agency drafted me into service. What is the Agency? If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Besides, what I’m about to share doesn’t relate to what the Agency is. My role with the Agency taught me about survival. This is what we’ll focus on today. And we need to do it fast, before Renee finishes cleaning the toilets and finds out I’ve taken over her laptop. She’s a bit of a tyrant when it comes to her “stuff.”
So, surviving almost any situation requires that you understand two things: Human nature and Murphy’s Law. God plays no part in survival. If God were so helpful, how did you get into a life or death situation to begin with? Exactly. Faith in any form will only get you so far when you’re being hunted, or when you’re starving and someone lets the only chicken escape, then pisses in your water source. So let’s begin today’s lesson.
Renee recently dropped me on a mountain with a couple dozen people who I’d normally rather cut my own throat than associate with. She’s got a weird sense of humor. While on the mountain, I realized that if you learn and accept certain truths about humanity and the ways of the universe, you improve your odds of survival.
First, you are always surrounded by idiots. The more stress or unfamiliarity you add, the dumber these idiots will get.
You put someone in a situation that is outside of their normal experience and stupidity naturally follows. People like to remain within their comfort zones, and when you shove them out of that little space, they act like giant mentally-deficient monkeys with a severe case of ADHD. Nothing you can do but duck when the shit flies.
Also, when you put a group of people together for a long enough time, sex happens. Don’t be the only one missing out.
It doesn’t matter if you’re smelly, hairy and dirty, or if it happens in a clean, fluffy bed or the hard, dirty ground, sex will eventually happen. Hell, I’ve seen many a straight guy start flirting with his buddies when given adequate time without female companionship. People, even those who prefer the life of a hermit, need physical contact. You might think you wouldn’t care about sex if your plane crashed and you were fighting just to survive the next minute, but I’m telling you, sex will occupy your thoughts even more in that situation. That dirty, nasty, smelly, bugs-in-your-ass sex will be the best you ever had too. Why? Because you secretly believe your number’s up. When you think you’re going to die, everything tastes just a little sweeter.
Which reminds me, Bible thumping should be recognized as a mental illness, and treated accordingly.
You cannot pray a bear away, and eating a dead person will not send you to Hell. Now, not eating the dead guy because you are “above” such savagery could cause you to suffer his condition. You see? Stop preaching and get eating. I hear if you confess the sin later, your slate’s clean. Like a redo.
And people are pussies about bugs and shit. If it looks like a snake, moves like a snake, it is a snake. But it tastes like chicken. As with dead people, when you’re in a situation that leaves you few dinner options, take what you can get. Bugs, snakes, rats—they all taste the same. Some might be more chewy or gamey than others, but it’s food. Shut the fuck up.
Remember that never is a long time. There are a lot of things we say we’d never do when we’re sitting in the comfort of our nice house, with a fridge nearby and no wild animals lurking in the shadows. That’s short-sighted, people. You can’t know how you’d react until you’re in the situation. You might think you’re very likable, but in reality, when the going gets tough, you become the most annoying prick in the camp. You might think you could never eat a beetle or drink your own urine, but you’ve never been starving or thirsty to the point of death. Never say never. It’ll bite you in the ass.
That brings me to another point. Human nature is unpredictable.
Just when you think you’ve got it down, that you know someone entirely, they shit all over your expectations. What’s worse, you’re the most unpredictable of the bunch.
The acceptance of the unpredictability of human nature will lead you to the realization that assholes find a way. There is always one asshole in the party. If you’re really unlucky, like me, you’ll get handful of assholes. Accept that your life will not be easy as long as said assholes are still breathing.
Finally, probably the most important thing to remember in a survival situation is that the level of authority you assume directly correlates with the size of the target on your back.
I hope you’ve learned something today. I need to get out of here now. Renee’s throwing shit, which means toilet cleaning is done. Before I go, can I ask you one favor? Could you send some kind of rescue team to Kilimanjaro? Tell them to bring guns. Thanks.