Dear all-powerful, benevolent being that may or may not be out there watching over us puny mortals, but that is most assuredly unconcerned about what we do or how we fare if he or she does exist;
Today is the day that Canadians give thanks that many years ago, some foreigner realized that the natives of this land had it good, and he wanted some of that. And we give thanks that said foreigner had no qualms about stealing from a peaceful folk, because if he didn’t, well we wouldn’t be able to call ourselves Canadian, now would we? Also, no poutine, and that would truly suck. In honor of this Thanksgiving holiday, I’d like to recount the many other things I’m thankful for.
First, thank you for my kids. Without them, I’d probably be lounging on a beach somewhere, my still-perfect bikini body encouraging me to do sinful things with someone half my age. Nobody wants that kind of life. My kids make me want more than meaningless sex and short-term satisfaction, and for that I’m a better person.
I’m thankful for stupid people. Without them, there would be no inspiration to spark this writer’s imagination. Thank you, stupid people, for doing what you do.
I’m thankful for technology, without which I’d be forced to write 300 pages by hand, or plug it out on a typewriter. First, second and third drafts take on a whole new meaning when you have to type or write the entire fucking novel each time you make a correction. Thank you, technology, for saving my delicate hands. And also, I’d like to thank you for electricity, running water, and the miracle of the flush toilet. And soap. It’s unfortunate that some folks don’t appreciate the value of soap.
I’m thankful for bacon.
I’m thankful for horribly written novels. They keep me striving to do better, because I don’t want any of my novels to end up in one of those GIF illustrated reviews. Though, they are hilarious, aren’t they?
I’m thankful for doors with good locks, because sometimes that’s all that keeps people alive. A girl needs to be left alone occasionally and hanging out is highly overrated.
Booze. Thanks for that.
I’m also thankful for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, the wisdom to know the difference, and the audacity to try anyway.
Garbage bags. Thank you to whoever invented those.
It would only be appropriate to give a nod to the Internet, without which I could not work from home. Most days I’m thankful for that. Although, my office could stand a bit of upgrading. It’s okay Internet, I know your power only stretches so far.
I’m thankful for my family, because without them, there would be only the stupid people to spark this writer’s imagination. My stories would lack depth and character without my family, so thank you for doing what you do too.
I’m thankful for small towns where everyone knows everyone, and whatever we don’t know, we make up. I believe that Tweed, and small towns like it, are part of the secret to writing good fiction. They mold the brain in such a way that it can craft the most plausible story out of nothing but a whisper and a wink. Thank you, Tweed, for making me unstable enough to use that.
Thanks for bras. It’s unfortunate some folks don’t appreciate them more.
If there is an all-powerful creator up there, I think thanks should be given for intelligent, sexy men with British accents. I simply cannot give enough thanks for them. And Jake Doyle (aka: Allan Hawko). Thanks for him too.
I’m thankful for gun laws. Without which I’m not sure how many people I know might have a bullet lodged somewhere in their body. I’m also thankful my parents raised me to be a law-abiding citizen with a functional guilt button. Without that, well I’m not sure how many people I know might have a bullet lodged somewhere in their body.
Speaking of Mom and Dad, thanks for not allowing your shit to become my shit. In forcing me to make my own shit, you made me a better person.
I’m thankful for my friends. Friends are the family you would have had if you’d been allowed to choose, and I think I chose well.
Thanks for pajama pants. Without those, who knows what folks would wander around town in?
I’m thankful for microwaves and television. This mom isn’t going to pretend you both haven’t made her life much easier.
Hair dye. It’s a good thing too.
I’m thankful for humor. Without the ability to laugh at myself and at others, I’m certain bad things would happen.
Finally, I’m thankful for passion and impulsive decisions. Without it, I wouldn’t be here. Not as a writer or anything else. Sometimes you just have to follow your gut, even if it’s telling you to do something completely insane.
What are you thankful for?