How to Survive an Internet Apocalypse

At some point, somehow, the Internet will disappear. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do. It’s impossible that such awesomeness would go on forever. An apocalypse is sure to happen. I mean, they’ve been predicting this shit forever. Odd are someone is going to be right at some point and what if that apocalypse involves the complete obliteration of the Internet and all the technology it provides? Gasp!

But I shall help you deal. First I want to prepare you for what will happen. After that, I’ll tell you how to be ready for it, and what to do to survive when it happens. Yes, I’ve spent quite a lot of time thinking about this.

The first thing you’ll notice when the Internet Apocalypse is here is a lot of folks will be cranky as fuck. This will be due to the inability of a large portion of the population to achieve orgasm. Why? The Internet offers copious amounts of readily available sexual inspiration. No one has had to conjure up their own fantasies for years. We will have to guide folks into achieving orgasm the old fashioned way by stocking up on Playboy, Victoria’s Secret and the Sears Catalog. We will work our way down the inspiration scale. Playboy and such magazines first. Then when those are too soiled and tattered to use, we’ll scale back to Victoria’s secret. It’ll be hard…eventually. (sorry, couldn’t help it.) Once Victoria is sullied beyond recognition, we’ll move to the underwear section of the Sears catalog. Once we’re through that, maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to imagine pornographic shit in our heads. And once more we will all be able to get off. People will relax and sexual frustration will not be the cause of another World War.  

People will also have to write letters and mail them. At the post office. Buying stamps and envelopes. Relying on other people to carry our messages. Oh Jesus, I don’t like even thinking about how this shit will work. Not only do you have to wait for someone to receive the letter, open it, and read it, but you’ll have to wait for them to figure out how to write a reply and find their way to the post office.

Eventually we’ll realize that in order to have pictures, we have to take them ourselves. We’ll have to use real cameras, film possibly and PAY FOR THEM! The horror, I know, is endless. But we shall overcome. Maybe we’ll relearn how to enjoy a moment without recording it so everyone else can enjoy it too. Without Facebook, blogs and Twitter, we’ll have to record our lives manually, using things like a diary. If we want to share it, we’ll have to go outside and give the diary to someone else, or shout it from the rooftops.

News will no longer be free and immediately available. Folks will have to buy a newspaper. Perhaps without the constant stream of awfulness that is the media today, we will become so unaccustomed to assholes that we won’t be afraid to point one out when we see one.

Stalkers and bullies will have to go old school and actually physically move their asses in order to wreak havoc and misery. I suspect that such behaviors will steadily decline. What then I ask? What then!

We’ll have to shop at stores…outside. And we’ll have to figure out a new way to occupy ourselves while on the toilet. No tweeting or playing games on our phones. We’ll have to read magazines or something. Maybe take a pen in with us and write on the wall.

Work will suck too. How is one supposed to pretend she is working all fucking day? Don’t worry, I got this. The art of doodling and wasting time in bathrooms, coffee runs, smoke breaks, and shit will return. We will not be forced to work all day.

Teachers will have to use a chalkboard and chalk to teach. They can’t fire up the big ass screen on the wall and tell students to read what’s up there. The students will have to learn how to use the library and how to look shit up in a book. God, it’s going to be terrible.

Yes, this is a nightmarish scenario. I shudder just thinking about it, but think about it we must! We must be prepared should Google decide we are unworthy of its awesomeness. We must have certain things in order to get through the total collapse of civilization as we know it.

Survival Kit

Some things you should prepare in advance, so you can get through the early days:

1. Magazines, books, etc.

With no Internet, these archaic mediums of information and entertainment will not only amuse and educate you; I suspect they will skyrocket in value. Keep them locked up in a safe place. Looting is inevitable.

2. Pets

With any apocalypse, the shortage of food is a real concern. If you have pets, you have food. Don’t look at me like that. If you’d rather starve than eat Rufus, pets also make great protectors. Sometimes. Unless they’re my pets.

3. Money

Real money. Not plastic. Store some away so you can buy whatever for as long as the cash lasts. Also, pray to God that the twits running the cash registers know how to operate a calculator. Seriously, I’ve experienced a power outage while shopping numerous times. What do the cashiers do? They shut shit down. “I can’t make the thing beep so you can’t buy it.”

4.  Food

Because how will you pay for shit when they can’t use that handy machine?

5. Weapons

People will lose their shit. Protect yourself.

6. Light source

Odds are there won’t be electricity in an Internet apocalypse. In fact, a massive power outage is probably what’ll cause it, so have some lights. Flashlights, candles, lighters, matches, whatever. Get those handy solar flashlights…batteries are only useful as long as they have juice.

7. Movies

The power might not go out. If it doesn’t, you can’t rely on Netflix anymore. Stock up on movies, DVDs of shows you like, and that kind of thing. It’ll get boring after a while and one can only exercise and clean so much.

8. Wood stove, fire pit, metal trash can and lots of flammable materials.

I don’t know how shit will go down when the Internet crashes, but it doesn’t hurt to prepare for the worst. If everyone goes insane and the electricity and such also vanishes, you’ll have to keep warm. I’m Canadian. Heating is a big concern in any catastrophe.

9. Board games

To fill those endless hours that used to be filled with Tetris and online poker.

10. Hobby

Get a hobby now that is not Internet related. It will save your sanity later. Trust me.

What to do when the Internet Goes Down

1. Don’t panic. Panic never makes anything better. Screaming and flailing about never made anyone less dead. Keep your shit together.

 2. Lock your doors. Folks will be outside. What else do they have to do? When people go outside, bad shit happens. Don’t let it happen to you.

3. Read. Get a book. A real one with paper pages. Look at it. Enjoy it. Absorb its awesomeness. Sigh. Life might be okay after all.

4. Sleep. Now that you have no need to stay up until the wee hours navigating your way through Pinterest, you can catch up on your rest.

5. Go outside occasionally. It’ll be the only way to accurately predict the weather once the Internet is gone.

6. Throw away your cell phone. It’s not going to work anyway and constantly turning the damn thing on to check is annoying your friends. I know you want to tweet, but you’ll have to beat this addiction and cold turkey is the only way. Stop texting. Stop it! It’s not working.

7. Update your status. No, put the laptop down. Go outside and tell someone what you’re doing right now. They must know.

8. Make friends. Real friends. Those online folks are gone. Forget about them. Now you’ll have to prepare yourself for real life conversation. I know. It’s a terrifying idea.

9. Curl up on the couch. Cry. It’s okay. This will be hard and crying is understandable. Get it all out so you can start dealing with the horror of life without Facebook.

10. Get a notebook and a pen, and write. Without the Internet there’s no way for folks to know what’s happening out there unless they go outside. Few are willing to indulge in such insanity so it is up to us, the wordsmiths, to record events for the future.


6 thoughts on “How to Survive an Internet Apocalypse

  1. You had me up until Rufus. LOL.Actually, in the states, Obama has stealthfully passed a law saying the government can turn off the internet. ( pray to God that if this ever happens there are enough bright nerds who can bounce signals from free countries and restart the internet despite the government.While the internet is extremely useful, I could do without social networking. That's more information than anyone needs to know about anyone.

  2. I suspect that all governments have such abilities, with or without laws the people know about. Whenever I find myself wasting time on FB or Twitter, the possibility that such a mindless jaunt could be taken away creeps into my mind. It causes panic because it is so useful, but also a kind of nostalgia. Remember when we went outside to play and no one gave a shit what we did? Good times.

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