Just in Case You Needed Reasons to Stay Inside…

It’s not like I need any reason to stay inside and write, but some of you might think outside is good. I mean, the sun is shining and there might be nice people out there, so I guess I can see why you might go out. But bad things lurk outside. Let’s just stop these rumblings about taking a break and socializing. You need to remember why you came inside in the first place, and why you should stay there.

Let’s start with the obvious: Winter is coming. And it’s cold. Who in their right mind would go out in the cold? You have to put on the layers and the ugly boots, and your nose will run, then the boogers will freeze, and no one wants to see that shit.

I also have it on good authority that germs come from outside. Seriously, there are more germs out there than there are in your writing cave. It just takes one nasty spore in your lungs to kill you. So really, staying inside and writing could save your life. You’re welcome.

What’s that? You’re not afraid of germs? Think about the people then. People are assholes.

And of course, if you go outside, you walk in dirt. That shit’s everywhere man. Then you track it back inside. Who’s cleaning it up? That’s right, you are. So, in going outside, not only did you take time away from writing to do so, but even more time will be wasted sweeping.  Does that seem at all productive to you?

Perhaps you enjoy cleaning. I’m not judging. Whatever floats your boat is fine with me. But I think you’re taking this outside stuff too lightly. If germs, snow and assholes won’t keep you inside, think about the crime. I hear it’s on the rise, and it almost always happens on the street.

And then there are the bears. Bears!! They live outside. Sometimes they come into town to eat garbage. Why take the risk? Even if the bears don’t get you, it’s loud out there, what with the cars and the wind and the stuff. No peace anywhere. People talk a lot, and they expect you to answer. This disrupts your chi. A disrupted chi is bad for us creative types. And it’s really hard to fix a chi. Hell, does anyone even know how to find it?

As if a messed up chi weren’t enough, dog shit. Yes, I said dog shit. It’s there, everywhere, just waiting for you to step in it. Why? I told you, people are assholes. Poop ‘n scoop? Oh no. Outside, it’s shit and run. Even if you avoid the shit, going out costs money. Writers have no money.  

Actually, none of this matters because the apocalypse is coming. I don’t know about you, but I’m not wasting bunker-digging time out there with the assholes and the bears and their shit. I’m going to be ready.

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