Conspiracies and Plots and Governments and Such: It’s All Going to End In Shit and Monkeys

Conspiracy theories are a writer’s dream, because conspiracy theorists are brilliant at concocting plots most of us would take months to dream up. Need inspiration? Type “Conspiracy Theories” into Google and soak it all up. My NaNoWriMo project is all about conspiracy…although I suppose I’m mostly making fun of them. But that’s okay, because conspiracy is a great plot tool and why shouldn’t we use it? Right? Of course I’m right.

My conspiracy theory comes from the dark depths of my head, so we all know it’s not real. But there are theories out there that people really believe in and make revealing these secret plots the focus of their lives. Never mind that (to my knowledge) these theories have never been proven or validated in any way.  That only makes sense, right? I mean, conspiracies are secret, so of course all the good ones are impossible to prove.

For example, some people (who apparently had nothing better to do) traced President Obama’s genealogy back to the Merovingian Dynasty of ancient France (410-459 AD). This royal line leads to the Carolingian Dynasty, founded by Charles Martel. Followers of this theory believe that Jesus, through his daughter (that’s right, I said Jesus’s daughter), leads directly to the Merovingian Dynasty, and thus to Obama. Oh wait. It gets better. Some genealogists traced it all directly back to High King Priam of Troy, and from Priam to Judah, son of Jacob, who was the son of Isaac, who was the son of Abraham, and then from Abraham back to Adam. As in Adam and Eve. That guy. Are you still with me? Okay, well following these paths, conspiracy theorists say you can clearly see the possibility that President Obama is Satan or the Antichrist. What? I know it seems like a leap, but wait for the rest of it. This theory alleges that the Priory of Sion (which most of the world is aware doesn’t exist outside Dan Brown’s imagination) has bribed, coerced and assassinated major historical figures like JFK, and also threatened/blackmailed political figures for decades just to ensure the “reign” of Obama. Why? The Priory of Sion is apparently the official guard of the truth about the Jesus bloodline. Why would the guard of Jesus’s bloodline want to ensure the Antichrist came into power? Do you recall the book of Revelation’s depiction of the End Days? Well according to that, ensuring the Antichrist’s reign will also speed up the happy ending.

My NaNo project also uses Obama as a major player, but he’s not the Antichrist…although…never mind.

Keeping with the Bible related theories, I’m sure most of you have heard that in the Judeo-Christian Bible there are warnings about future catastrophes. It’s believed the Bible contains warnings that predicted the assassinations of Lincoln and JFK, 9/11, the End of Days, the identity of the Antichrist, and the location from which the he or she will rise. If the Bible Code is ever proven to be true, we’ll all realize it proves the existence of God.


Enough about the Bible. Let’s look at some “the government will kill us all” theories, which are also part of my NaNo project. For example, some think the FBI has the tools to invent a death ray. Many of these believers think they already have one. Heard of Nikola Tesla? He reportedly theorized and planned (but did not actually create) a device that he believed would be a directed-energy weapon that would act as a death ray. In 1957, the National Inventors Council actually asked that a death ray to be invented for use as a weapon. Crazy scientists. So if it was never invented, how did the FBI get it? Well, Tesla worked on plans for this device until his death, after which the FBI took all his shit. They refuse to release any of Tesla’s papers, so some folks believe that his death ray exists and is currently being used.

Again; Hmm.

A government theory that fits into my project better is the “AIDS is Manmade” theory. There are some who believe that AIDS was created by scientists in a laboratory. They claim that HIV was created by a group or a secret agency (like the CIA) as a way of controlling the population. Others think it was an experimental biological warfare weapon that escaped accidentally. But wait, it gets nuttier. Some have suggested that the CIA deliberately gave the HIV virus to African Americans and homosexuals in the seventies via tainted hepatitis vaccinations as part of a plan to eradicate the black race. I’m not sure if they thought only one race was gay back then, or whatever. It follows that stupidity would dictate such a belief, because the idea is really stupid. Anyway, others think HIV was administered first in Africa as a way of stopping the development of that continent. Later it was accidentally spread to the rest of the world.

The theory that blames the monkeys is looking pretty valid now, isn’t it?

I think my favorite theory of all that I’ve read is the one about fluoride making the world dumber one drop at a time. Theorists believe that fluoride, which is added to drinking water in many countries, is harmful to our health. Apparently our governments know it’s harmful, but continue to add it because drug companies (and the governments) profit from all of us being sick. Where does dumb come in? Well, some believe fluoride lowers mental ability, so fluoridation is a way to “dumb down” the population. So we don’t have the capacity to figure out that they’re making us sick? I don’t know. Maybe. Let’s think about social media. Now Internet “commenters” and the like, and…yep, it’s definitely happening. We’re getting dumber by the second.

It’s not as though we don’t suspect the drug companies of very bad things in general, right? I mean, a very popular conspiracy theory claims that drug companies are intentionally not producing cures for diseases like AIDS and cancer because they profit so heavily from treating the symptoms of these illnesses. A staggering amount of people believe pharmaceutical companies are in cahoots with medical practitioners to invent new ailments, and list things like ADD and ADHD as said “new” ailments, in order to sell drugs.

But wait. Let’s look at the best and most disturbing theory I’ve come across:  The New World Order.

This is a popular theory in which theorists claim that a small group of international elites controls and manipulates government, industry and media organizations all over the world. Their tool? Money. Think about it: Using the system of central banking, this group is alleged to have funded and caused most of the major wars of the last two centuries. How? Mostly by carrying out false attacks to manipulate the masses into supporting them. Oh, and also by deliberately causing inflation and depressions via their death grip on the world economy. This conspiracy theory intrigues me, and has intrigued many authors before, primarily because it “could” be true.

You might wonder why, if it is true, would they allow us to write about it? Because world domination is a noble endeavor, and as such the folks involved would never censor us, because censorship is wrong.

Conspiracy theories will always exist, and most will never be proven, even when they are true (although mostly they’re not). It’s easy to believe the worst in people, particularly those with power or money, because it helps explain why our lives turn so shitty. I mean, if it’s not our fault, then we can’t be expected to change things, right? Unless you’re a hero in a fictional story. Then you must change it all.

How about you guys? Got any cool conspiracies in your books? Any “real” theories you’ve heard that make you go “Hmmm?”

2 thoughts on “Conspiracies and Plots and Governments and Such: It’s All Going to End In Shit and Monkeys

  1. You know what they say, Conspiracy Theories are only Conspiracy Theories, until they’re proven to be true. 😉

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