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Horror Story Survival Guide: Because You Never Know What Real Life Might Throw At You, or If We Writers are Truly Making This Shit Up

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November 24, 2013 by Renee

I’ve met the NaNoWriMo goal of 50,000 words (on November 21) so now I can take time to write a blog post. Aren’t you all lucky? Yes you are.

Since OBAMANATION dabbles in horror with its monsters and such (really it’s more thriller/humor/WTF, but the monsters had me thinking about horror fiction and so now you have this post.) But first, I’m honored to announce that I was included in a fantastic group of authors this week. DeadPixel Publications is “just a bunch of people with day jobs, writing for the pure love of the craft and hoping for a little success along the way. By joining forces we help promote each other and create a community of sharing and collaboration with one goal in mind: Helping the public find some kick ass books to read (if we do say so ourselves).”

You should check out their site, maybe like the Facebook page. I don’t usually join groups, clubs, etc., (it’s the interacting with people thing that puts me off) so you know they must be pretty awesome.

So back to the blog post. Why do we love horror novels? Because we’re smart and we know there just might be something lurking in the shadows or under our beds. Perhaps horror writers know shit the normals don’t. Ever noticed how almost every horror novel has little survival tips and such woven into the stories? The smart reader sees these and files them away just in case monsters happen. And it totally could. Assume nothing.

Since not everyone is a fan of horror, because some of you are too scared, I’ve compiled the basics of surviving a monster invasion. I’d hate to see you be the first to die just because you’re a wimp.

You’re welcome.

So let’s imagine a monster of some type, like a vamp or a zombie, gets into your house. Pretend you were actually on top of that shit and killed it—or you’re pretty sure you’ve killed it. You might be tempted to get close enough to see if said monster is really dead. Don’t do that. If the bastard is down, just leave. Fast.

Maybe you’re not even dealing with run-of-the-mill monsters. Ghosts and demons like to haunt things, and they aren’t always obvious about it until it’s too late. Let’s say you find out your house is built on a cemetery, or maybe it’s just next door. Perhaps you find out the previous owners held dark masses or went mad or committed suicide or died in a horrific way. What do you do? You move. That’s what.

Sometimes the horror arrives accidentally, because some idiot finds a cool book hidden in their attic or some other stupid location smart people know to leave alone. Don’t read strange books aloud. If the book contains spells or demon summoning shit, just put it back where you found it.

Speaking of demons, if anyone speaks to you in Latin or any other language they shouldn’t know, or their voice is all fucked up, or their eyes start glowing, just shoot them. Trust me it’ll save you the trouble of dying. By the way, killing a possessed anything will probably require several attempts with a variety of tools/weapons, and possibly a beheading or burning, so be prepared.

So, let’s say you survived the initial attack, and you find some friends or strangers trying to survive just like you. If you’re with a group of people when bad shit starts happening, someone is going to suggest splitting up. Kill this person. When you have the advantage of numbers, why would you split your numbers into handy, bite-sized pieces? Anyone who thinks splitting up is a good idea doesn’t deserve to live.

Sometimes you have to go on the run when monsters arrive. This is smart, because monsters are dicks and they like chasing and killing shit. Anyway, if you happen upon a neighboring town and it’s deserted, there’s usually a reason for the lack of people. They call them “More monsters” so don’t stay there.

While we’re on the subject of running, if you’re running from anything that’s scary enough to render your bladder useless, expect to trip or fall. And even if the monster is shuffling along, and it seems pretty slow, it’s always fast enough to catch you. So, don’t stop to catch your breath or bitch about your twisted angle. Get up and keep running.

Occasionally you’re lucky enough to have a car and you take off in it and you’re all “Phew! That was close. Glad I have this car.” Well cars run out of gas, because this is how cars roll. If this happens at night, don’t go to ANY house for help. Find a gas station or wait, gun/machete/flamethrower in hand, for morning. Also, don’t fall asleep.

Even if you don’t run out of gas, monsters can get you on the highway. If you see a hitchhiker, fuck him/her. Let them find another sucker to ride with. I don’t care if your hitchhiker looks hot/harmless/in trouble, they’re going to kill you or stopping to pick up their asses will get you killed. Also, beware of folks carrying shit like chainsaws, lawn equipment, power tools, knives, hammers, torches or anything they might have taken or made from a dead person. They’re usually up to no good.

Yes, it’s heavy shit, but these are dangerous times. Monsters are no joke. I’ll leave you with a few more quick tips I’ve learned along the way.

  • Strange noises aren’t worth investigating. If you hear what sounds like a body part falling on your roof, floor, etc., assume it is. Don’t go looking for the source. Idiot.
  • Flickering lights and flying dinnerware are good excuses to move.
  • The dead hate it when you take their shit.
  • Stay away from Maine.
  • You don’t have to be faster than your pursuer, as long as you aren’t the slowest person in your group.
  • Always carry salt. Seriously. Ask the Winchesters.
  • Also get a tattoo like this. See above.
  • Accept all stories, myths, or legends regarding murder, ghosts, deaths, or supernatural anything as fact.
  • If the animals start acting weird, you should worry. Also start planning for a long night if weather patterns go batshit or ritualistic killings start becoming the norm.
  • Never go out during a full moon and don’t make out with folks in the woods ever. Really, you’d think people would know that one by now.
  • Don’t assume you know anything. Basically, you don’t.
  • The monster is always behind you. ALWAYS.
  • Stay away from bullies, jocks, sluts, stoners, EMTs, cops and egomaniacs. These seem to attract bad shit, and they almost always get you killed.
  • Work on bladder/bowel control. If monsters arrive, you won’t be doing things like using the washroom, or eating and sleeping.
  • Avoid saying the words “I’ll be right back” or “It can’t be…”
  • Don’t scream. If you have a screamer in your group, get rid of that person. For some reason, screamers are like magnets for supernatural shit.

 

So there. Any tips you’d like to add? I’ve got shit to do, so carry on.

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2 thoughts on “Horror Story Survival Guide: Because You Never Know What Real Life Might Throw At You, or If We Writers are Truly Making This Shit Up

  1. Best. Survival. Guide. EVAR!

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Renee

Renee

I like to write stuff. Sometimes it's funny. I've published some novels and short fiction. I also battle an addiction to cake and potato chips, and I sometimes have inappropriate fantasies involving Kevin Spacey.

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