I’m easily irritated. I’ll admit it. Sometimes I want to cut a bitch over a pretty minor infraction. I realize it’s not a big deal, but I still get annoyed nonetheless. Now I work in customer service as a cook and a server and I can’t recall a day where someone didn’t do something that made me plot a homicide. Some people might think this means I have a short fuse, or maybe I’m bitchy all the time. This is not so. If you knew the number of things that make me twitch, but I choose to ignore instead of getting stabby, you’d understand just how patient I really am.
So this morning I thought why not make a list of all the minor shit that makes me crazy. Lists are funny. Well, they can be funny. I’ll make it funny. So here goes:
People who read aloud. If you’re over the age of five or six, shut up.
Couples who sit on the same side of the table when there is no one on the other side. You look ridiculous and it’s really hard to serve you when I can’t see your hands. Pervs.
People who blame others or other things for their failures. Does your life suck? Are you unhappy? Well, that’s too bad. How about instead of wallowing and blaming, you take a good hard look at your choices in life, and change that shit? Also, stop whining.
Revving cars/trucks. Jesus Christ, just drive the fuck away. Now. Go.
Noisy eaters. I should not be able to hear you chew or breathe while you eat. You people who snort… get that checked out. Obviously, something’s not right up in there.
People who order anything BUT what’s on the menu. When you customize every part of your meal, claiming an allergy that makes no sense (like ketchup), or you don’t even look at the menu and order some ridiculous meal the place doesn’t even serve, or bitch later about how much something costs or how you deserve a refund because you don’t like whatever you CUSTOM ordered, you suck. Actually, you shouldn’t even be allowed outside.
Typing “Aweeee” when you want to convey a long, drawn out “awe.” Find another way to convey your awe, folks. This one is wrong, and makes you sound like the annoying guy in that car commercial.
The phrase “You’re tall!” Usually accompanied with wide-eyed astonishment. Okay, assholes, yes I’m tall. I know sometimes it’s hard not to comment, but I’m not exceptionally tall. Lots of women are taller than me, and they hate this too, because we hear it EVERY DAMN DAY. Also, “Your eyes are SO blue.” No, they’re just blue. Regular blue. You’re making me uncomfortable. Stop looking into my eyes.
People who use social media to criticize others for using social media. Come on, Pot. Leave Kettle alone.
Roadmaps, instructions, letters, etc. that aren’t folded correctly. There are lines to guide you. Use them.
Lost pens. Seriously, why can’t I keep a single fucking pen?
Random socks. There are lone socks all over my house. How hard is it to put both in the laundry? I mean, you take them off at the same time, do you not? Why is one in the living room while the other is in the garage? How does that even happen? When you leave them all over the place, the dogs get them. Then we have socks without mates and sock-shits in the yard.
Empty glass straw noise. Stop sucking. It’s done.
Constantly going on and on about how busy you are. Well, you’re not so busy you can’t list off everything you did every damn day. Just saying.
Crumbs in the butter/peanut butter/other sandwich spread container. I can’t use it once crumbs are in there, because I don’t know what the crumbs are from, how long they’ve been there, or if they’re even crumbs. You can’t be sure it’s not something gross, like mouse shit. If your knife has touched the bread/bagel/whatever, don’t put it back in the container. Wipe that extra shit on the food, not the unused spread.
Tapping. On anything. Ever. Don’t do it.
Emotional people. People who express everything all the time and in a dramatic way, whether it’s happy, sad, angry, etc., make me uncomfortable. I don’t want it getting on me. Get your shit together.
People stepping on the back of my shoes. This shouldn’t happen as often as it does. It hurts. If it doesn’t, sometimes it makes me trip. Then I look like the moron and the stepper is all “Oh, are you okay?” No, jerk. You just ripped the flesh off the back of my foot. Back. Up.
Someone standing over my shoulder. For any reason.
Dish water floaties. Scrape food into the garbage and rinse your damn plate. Don’t just stick it in the sink where bits might touch my hands.
Molded plastic packaging. Why does opening any package require an advanced degree in the use of scissors? And why is it so sharp?
Gum chewers. Seriously, you guys disgust me.
Intentional misspellings used in online comments or texts, because you’re too lazy to write the damn word or think you’re cute. For example, “luv” instead of “love” or “kwik” instead of “quick” or “R” and “U.” You’re not cute.
People who shit in public restrooms. Stop it. You’re disgusting and I don’t even want to know how you got it up the back of the seat or down the side of the bowl. Sit the fuck down for the entire shit. Don’t get up, don’t bend over. Just sit and shit. I have to clean that motherfucker. Also, you assholes who are allergic to flushing? You’re going to Hell, and not the good part.
Unexpected company. Call first or I won’t let you in.
Paper towel or toilet paper in the recycle bin. These items are NOT recyclable. Put it in the garbage.
Chewing with your mouth open. I don’t even have to explain this. You’re a pig and I hate you.
The phrase “that offends me.” Does it? Poor thing. Maybe you need to get a spine and a life.
Skinny jeans on men. Never looks good. Never. I laugh at you and your clearly defined package.
People who don’t clear the microwave. Seeing the numbers left from an early opening of the microwave makes me twitch. I don’t know why, but it’s like, you have to push one damn button to clear it. Why can’t you do that?
People who say “It’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is, stupid. Why would I keep looking if I already found it?
Passive-aggressive behavior. Listen folks, if you’ve got something to say or there are feelings you need to get out, just say it. Put it out there. Don’t coat an insult in sugar. If you can’t be blunt about it, shut the hell up. For example, if you’re saying something critical, following it up with a smiley face doesn’t make you less of a bitch. It makes you a bitch that appears too stupid to understand what a smiley face means.
Empty packages in the fridge/cupboard. If it’s empty, take it out. Take. It. Out.
sTaTuSeS tYpEd LiKe ThIs. God, why?
Staring at your server because you think she controls how fast the food comes out. We don’t, asshole! Stop staring. Your unrelenting gaze is not magic.
Leaving a cabinet door or drawer open. Even just a crack. I’m totally going to hit my head/hip/toe on that shit.
People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” You just did. Are we done here?
Putting the paper towel in the dispenser wrong. It will fall out if you have it rolling forward, idiot. It must roll under, so the paper towel rolls toward the back of the dispenser, thus remaining inside, not falling out and ending up in the garbage or on the floor, where it is now dirty and useless.
When Kurt lets the dog sleep on my side of the bed. He knows better, but every time I go to bed after him, there’s the fucking dog, right up in my space, leaving his dog bits all over my pillow and my sheets. So then I have to punch his stupid face and wipe the dog bits from my side before I can go to sleep.
People who refer to other people as “bro.” Piss off. I’m not your brother.
Hair on my soap. I don’t even care if it’s my hair. I don’t like it.
Camel toes. Not the animals, but the effect created by too-tight pants pulled up way too high so you can clearly see the crack of a woman’s vagina. It’s annoying when men do this too, but I don’t know what that’s called.
People who say “I know” when being corrected or taught something. Listen, if I have to correct you or teach you, then clearly, you DON’T know so just listen and nod.
Spitters. You’re gross and I want to kick you in the teeth so you have a reason to spit. Unless you’ve got a bug in there, save it for the washroom. Don’t just spit all willy-nilly wherever you please. Also, sniffers. Blow your fucking nose, all right?
Slow people walking in front of me, but taking up the entire sidewalk so I have to walk slow as well, or walk into traffic to get past them. Speed it up, motherfuckers.
Why are commercials so loud?
Getting “the look” when I swear. They’re words. I like them. Suck it up.
People who say “literally.” You usually use it inappropriately and it bugs me. I want to punch you in the face. Literally.
PDAs. If you’re making out in public, you’re a dick. No seriously, you really are.
People who hover between lines at the checkout. Pick a goddamn line and stay in it or I will run you down with my cart and I won’t be sorry about it.
Tickling. Why do people think this is fun or amusing? It’s irritating. Ticklers deserve whatever violence happens to them.
All-day service appointments. Phone, internet, cable, and other utility companies make all day appointments, which means they might come to your house at 8am or 5pm, or anywhere in between, but you better be home. Usually they come at 6pm, so your whole fucking day is wasted waiting for their late ass to show up. If you leave, then that’s when they’ll come. And then you have to reschedule and waste another day waiting.
Leaving one square of toilet paper on the roll so you don’t have to get out a new roll. You lazy piece of shit.
People who say “lol” instead of laughing. What the fuck is wrong with you?
People who wear sunglasses indoors. You look like a douchebag.
Duck face. For the love of God, please make it stop.
People who come into my place of employment and say “Oh, I thought you wrote books,” and when I say “I do,” they’re all, “So they must not be selling.” So then I have to explain royalties to them, and the cost of book publishing, editing, marketing, etc. and then I end up just saying “You know what? Fuck off. Would you like fries with that?” because I’m sick of their face.
Okay, so that’s the most common annoyances I just let slide every day. What about you? Did I miss a peeve that makes you twitchy or homicidal? Share. Let it all out. We won’t judge you here.