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Cookies and Shit, Because Katrina Monroe is a Dick, and Merry Christmas

2

December 8, 2014 by Renee

So, there’s a blog hop thing floating around the Interwebs, where you nominate people to share cookie recipes. Why? Fuck if I know. Christmas or something. Katrina, the most un-blog-hoppy friend I know, decided to choose now to completely change her colors. I’m a little angry, because I don’t bake folks. I used to bake all the time. And I was good at it. Real good. Now, not so much. I burn shit. I’m thinking it’s senility kicking in, or just my general disillusionment with all things housewifery.

So anyway, I’m supposed to share a cookie recipe with you all. I said, “Fuuuuck,” when I got tagged, because how long has it been since I baked anything? Long time. Then I said, “Wait. I have cookies you don’t have to bake.” So, I’m sharing my grandma’s Haystack (also known as Chocolate Macaroons) recipe.

chocolate macaroons

Growing up, every time I visited Granny’s house, we’d go to the freezer and pull out one of the many containers of chocolate macaroons she hid in there. Then we’d eat the whole container. Every Christmas since her passing, these cookies make an appearance at dinners and gatherings. I’m sharing it with you, so feel honored. Now, because my grandmother was all “Go big or go home” this recipe makes a shit-ton of cookies. If you’re a pussy who can’t eat a lot of sweets, you can cut the shit in half, and you’ll be fine.

So, here goes.

Get yourself a big bowl. No, a big one. Yeah, that’s good. In that bowl, combine 3 cups INSTANT oatmeal (I put instant in all caps for the short bus folks. You must use instant oatmeal or this whole process will be a giant fail.) and 2 cups coconut. If you don’t like coconut, just piss off. Cool? All right. Moving on.

Now get a large pot. Put it on the stove. Just do it. Good. Now, combine:

12 tablespoons cocoa… or 13, 14—fuck it. You put as much cocoa as you want in that bitch. Go on. The chocolatier the better.

1 cup butter

1 cup milk

3 cups sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

Turn the burner on. It’s best to turn on the same burner your pot is sitting on, because, obviously. Start at high heat until the stuff in the pot dissolves and combines real smooth-like. Stir it constantly. No, I’m not fucking joking. You don’t stir it, the sugar will burn to the bottom. Then your cookies will taste like ass and they won’t harden, and you’ll have chocolate slop that tastes like ass. Keep stirring until the whole mess starts to bubble. That means it’s boiling, in case you’re new to cooking. Let it boil, while stirring constantly, for 30 seconds. Screw those recipes that say let it go a minute or longer. That’s bullshit. Seriously, the time you boil is critical to the taste and texture of the final result. Trust me. I know these cookies.

After 30 seconds, remove the pot from the stove, and mix in the oatmeal and coconut. Mix it thoroughly, but quickly. Yeah, I know your wrist hurts like a bitch, but man up. Keep stirring until it’s all combined.

Now, clean off your kitchen table, you lazy slob. All of it. Use a cloth or something. Wipe that crusty grossness off the edges. Do it. Done? Good. Now, cover it in waxed paper or aluminum foil. The whole thing. Yes, all of it. Get a couple of spoons. I like to have one tasting spoon and one scooping spoon. Scoop a spoonful of the mixture from the pot and drop it on the foil or waxed paper. It shouldn’t be perfectly rounded. That’s for weirdos. Just drop it and go for the next one. Now, using your tasting spoon, scoop more mixture and put it in your mouth. Mmmm. Okay, drop more on the sheet. Taste again. Continue until you’ve scooped all the mixture onto the covered table. Leave them to harden.

How easy was that? If they don’t harden, you fucked up. Either you didn’t listen and got the wrong type of oatmeal or you boiled it too long or didn’t stir it properly. Start again.

For a tasty modification, replace the sugar with maple syrup. Seriously, delicious shit man. Those of you tempted to bastardize this recipe with anything else, like nuts or marshmallows, just fuck off. You’ll contaminate the pure awesomeness of the cookies with such things. Stop trying to be creative.

I’m supposed to tag a few more people in this, but as I look around, I realize anyone I might have tagged has already been tagged. Instead, I’m just going to invite all of you to do this blog hop too. Don’t nominate me again, though. I’ve got nothing else.

So, enjoy your cookies and Merry Christmas or whatever.

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2 thoughts on “Cookies and Shit, Because Katrina Monroe is a Dick, and Merry Christmas

  1. Henry Lara says:

    Wonderful recipe Ms. Miller! Will show to my other half. She’s the baker in charge around here.

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Renee

Renee

I like to write stuff. Sometimes it's funny. I've published some novels and short fiction. I also battle an addiction to cake and potato chips, and I sometimes have inappropriate fantasies involving Kevin Spacey.

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