How to Write a Bestseller

I feel I should begin this blog post with a disclaimer: I haven’t written a bestselling novel, so my “expertise” in this matter is questionable at best. However, I pay attention to other bloggers, and more “believable” experts, as well as what seems to top the bestsellers’ list most of the time and I think I’ve figured out how to get myself there. So, follow my ten easy steps to becoming a bestselling author, or don’t. Your odds are probably the same either way.

Anyway, here we go.

Step 1

Decide to write a novel. Duh. It’d help immensely if you have a computer. You can do it the old-fashioned way and use pen and paper or a typewriter, but then you’d be a fucking moron, because you’d just have to type all that shit into a computer in the end anyway. It’s 2015 shithead, get with the program.

But hey, if you want to double your work, then go for it. No judgments here. Well, not many.

Step 2

Write said novel. I know this seems rather vague, but I don’t feel like getting into the how to write a novel thing. I mean, seriously, just write the damn thing and worry about the editing later. You probably don’t suck, and even if you do, suckage won’t exclude you from bestseller status. So just write it. Go on.

Step 3 (Ideally, you should do this during step 2)

Become a social media whore.

It’s a fun kind of whore. Not at all shameful and the sex is optional. Really, all you have to do is blog, tweet, Facebook all the trials and shit you encounter while writing your novel. Like, tell people you have writer’s block when you feel like a lazy fuck and want to watch Netflix or go out and get shitfaced, because both of those things are far more amusing than writing a novel. To be honest, mowing the lawn is sometimes more fun than writing a novel. Better to know this in advance. Then, after a while, get back on the writing horse and tweet about how you’ve buckled down and started writing again. I don’t care if you actually do write. Just tell people this. Seriously, everyone will be proud of you, because of your dedication. But don’t say you were partying or Netflixing during this time. Let them think you just sat there staring at the computer screen while thinking of ways to kill yourself. Yeah, they love that stuff.

Also, it’d help to get on some kind of discussion forum. Once you’re on, take over that motherfucker like you own it. Get yourself some minions. Yes. Minions. Love those.

Step 4

Get a gimmick. Readers love gimmicks, because they’re cool. For example, write fan fiction of a highly successful book or celebrity, or choose a plot never written before. The former is obviously the easiest gimmick to use. The latter, well, everyone’s got the most unique idea out there, because the authors of said ideas tell us this constantly, so you’ll have to be more unique than those guys. You know what? Just go with fan fiction. It’s too much work the other way. Or I guess you could just write any old idea and call it original and fresh. I mean, reading is subjective, so at least one person is sure to agree with you.

Step 5

Edit. While you edit, be real nice to other authors. Read their shit. Review. Repeat. Also, tweet about editing. Cry a little. People like tortured artists. You can Youtube that shit for more effect. No, it’s not pathetic.

Okay, it’s a little pathetic. But who gives a shit, right? You’re building your brand, and if you want to be taken seriously, you’ve gotta show you’ve got passion or something.

Step 6

Get yourself a catchy title.

Hey, I’m not going to do it for you. Lazy fucker. Think for yourself!

I hear numbers and colors are the best way to go, but there are other options. Don’t worry if it matches the actual story. As long as it’s catchy, that’s all that matters. Oh! Just make up words! No one will know what it means, but they’ll think you’re fancy.

Step 7

If you failed to think up a catchy title, you’re a loser.

Just kidding. If you can’t think up something wondrous or at least funny, then get yourself a kickass cover. Go outside the box for this. Now, simple covers with one item, like an apple, a tie or a picture of Snookie seem to be most popular, but you’ll have more success if you go with something fresh and new, like a brick wall, or an artsy image no one can quite make out or understand. Like this:

That shit is cool. Interpretive covers will be all the rage soon. You’ll see. Don’t you want to be one of the first to get on the bandwagon? Then you can stare down your nose at the latecomers.

Step 8

Submit it somewhere if that’s your thing. You’ll probably get rejected. You might not, but you probably will, so if you query agents, you MUST bitch about it on Twitter. Make some scathing observations, or just mention how agents obviously have no clue what good fiction is. Once done this step, you can move on to step 9. You don’t even have to do this step if you don’t want to. You can just bitch about agents without querying. It’s okay, they’re used to it. I think they secretly like it. But if you do this, you must vow to NEVER go the traditional route. If they think you’ll be a tough nut to crack, they’ll offer bigger advances when they do discover you.