People who are not from Canada seem to think some weird shit about their neighbors to the North. It’s okay, we think some weird shit about you as well. I do sometimes pronounce “about” as “aboot” and yes, I sprinkle my sentences with a few eh’s now and then. I love my poutine, and it’s pretty difficult to offend me. Yep. I’m very Canadian in these ways.

However, I do have a lot of, let’s call them quirks, that are very un-Canadian. Don’t tell the others. They might polite me to death.

The biggest one: I hate winter. Cold, snow, ice; it can all fuck off. I hate it. Hate everything about it.

Ugh. Hate it.

You might be wondering why I don’t move, if I hate the weather most of the year. Well, I live in Ontario, which means I can’t afford to leave. And, to be honest, there are a lot of other things I like about this country (like free health care), so I crank the heat (a costly endeavor), throw on some layers, avoid the outside, and mutter about the cold to anyone who’ll listen.

And hockey? No thanks.

People think that part of being a Canadian citizen is a love of hockey. Sorry, but no. I do not love hockey. Oh, I can enjoy watching a game. I understand the appeal. However, I do not love it. I can barely even skate, so maybe that’s part of it. Mostly, watching a hockey game is not my idea of time well spent. There. I said it.

And while I don’t want to be like them, I don’t hate Americans. I don’t think there are many of us who do. Who started that rumor? Fuck you, whoever you are.

Polite, but…

Canadians are famous for how nice we are, and I think that’s great. Yes, my default setting is “sorry,” when I bump into people, but I think that’s just plain decency. If you aren’t paying attention and walk into someone, apologize. Jeeze.

However, I can be extremely intolerant. Not in the way you probably think, though. I believe everyone should be allowed to be who they are. Let your freak flag fly and whatever. I look at the person inside all of that, and I have zero patience for assholes. I don’t care what religion, color, sexual orientation you are, if you’re an asshole, I will NOT tolerate you. Not even to be polite.

And if you chew with your mouth open, smell like rotten garbage, or get in my personal space, I’m going to be annoyed to the point that, if I do bump into you, I’m not even going to say sorry.

Let’s see, what else…?

Oh, I don’t mind maple syrup, but it’s not my favorite thing. It’s nice on pancakes, but I’m not putting that shit on everything. Although, I do think maple bacon was sent by the gods. Damn, that shit is good.

Also this right here?

I don’t own a single flannel shirt. That Canadian tuxedo shit has to stop. Canadians wearing flannel and/or denim shirts all the time, to everything, is a misconception. Maybe because it gets so cold and flannel is so warm people think it makes sense. I’m actually not a fan of flannel, unless we’re talking pajamas, then maybe. But denim? Fuck that shit. I hate denim shirts and jackets. They make me nauseous.

Finally, I am not bilingual. Thanks to the basic French classes I was forced to take in school, I know enough French to read a label or to pick out a word or two from someone who is speaking French (if they go very slow and enunciate everything), so I can get the gist of what they’re saying, but I am not able to speak French. I’m terrible at it, actually.

Does all of this make me a bad Canadian? Maybe. But if I’m a bad Canadian, then so is a big portion of our population, because most of the stereotypes I’ve mentioned are just that; stereotypes.

What about you guys? What’s a common trait within your culture that you just can’t go along with?