The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s almost here! Christmas has crept up on us again, although I’ve noticed it’s different now that my kids are older and we don’t have the whole “I’msoexcitedIcouldpukeandcannotpossiblysleep” excitement making us crazy. They’re more like, “Don’t wake me up too early,” now. Sigh.

I work in retail too, so you miserable fucks coming out last minute have sucked all the joy out of the past week for me. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to share Christmas traditions, both creepy and cool. In our house, we used to leave a key hanging on the door for Santa, because we didn’t have a chimney and my smartass kids called us out on it. We never did Elf on the Shelf either, and I’m so glad we didn’t. Like I needed one more thing on my to-do list and to be honest, the little shit creeps me out anyway.

We’ve all watched Puppet Master, right?

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Just look at it.

creepy elf

As a child, I imagine it would’ve traumatized me to know that a doll could get up in the middle of the night and just roam my house doing whatever it damn well pleased. These kids who love it are going to be badass adults… or psychopaths. Whatever.

Basically, it’s another way to get kids to behave during the insane days leading up to Christmas, which I totally understand. But you have to start the day after Thanksgiving! That’s October in Canada, for crying out loud. So, for two months, the elf observes and reports your behavior to Santa. Elves being elves, they can’t help but cause a little trouble, so it’s not uncommon for elves on shelves to pull pranks or make messes each night for the kids to find in the morning. Another reason for this mischief is to remind the kids that HE IS VERY FUCKING REAL AND WILL TELL SANTA EVERYTHING.

Well, Elf, I’ve got one thing to say to you:


And don’t touch the elf or it’ll disappear. Another deliciously disturbing tidbit about the Elf? It can’t move when it’s being observed. Know what else can’t move unless you’re not looking?

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Don’t blink

Just saying.

Also, who has time for it anyway? I mean, really? Hats off to parents who are creative enough and organized enough to move the damn elf every night for like a month. I couldn’t do it. Telling my kids not to touch the damn thing would be like:


I’ve gone on too long about the elf. Let’s get back to traditions that don’t give me the heebs. We used to let our kids open one present on Christmas Eve. I used to do the same when I was a kid, although it was almost always pajamas that we opened. Christmas pajamas. I let my kids choose a “small” gift. My reasons weren’t anything to do with tradition, though. It was meant to calm them the fuck down so I could get them into bed at a reasonable time and have all of the Santa stuff done before 2 a.m. It almost never worked.

We got our Christmas Eve gift early this year. Teddy has been spreading holiday cheer for about a month now.


That makes three dogs, two cats.

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We limit Christmas Eve visits to one or two friends/relatives as well. I just can’t do a lot of social shit, and since the holiday is about joy and happiness and all that fuzzy stuff, I figure I should do what makes me happy, which is staying at home. Christmas Day and Boxing Day are feast days, so I get my year’s worth of socialization then.

Anyway, we don’t have a lot of traditions these days. Most of them revolved around the kids, and since all but one is an adult now, we’ve been trying to adapt to a new way of doing Christmas. It’s strange and sometimes makes me a little sad.

What are some traditions you guys like to observe during the holidays? Anyone else with grown children who do something really cool that doesn’t involve me talking to a bunch of people? How about creepy traditions? Anyone find a popular tradition disturbing?

I’m still thinking about the elf. Kind of inspired to do some writing now…


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